So, back in my car in the parking lot, unsure of what to do, trying all the things that aren't working this time. Is this hormones or grief or the holidays or winter disorder or exhaustion or something worse? Is this depression? I can't really do any of this. I can't stop crying, can't clean, can't get warm, can't get good dreams, can't even get the house in order to get the Christmas tree. Is it ok not to do anything? Will I ever be ok with the holidays without my mom? Will I ever stop crying? Will I ever be ok with my dad's girlfriend? I have a deep dread. I am bloated and need my doctor to call me back to tell me if this is a normal reaction to the birth control pill. The last time I took the pill I was in college and I completely lost my mind. I think I have to stop, again. And just let nature and grief take it's course....I need community, but I need it without having to organize it. I need to call my mom, but I can't, so I did this. Maybe its ok to be sad? What happens if I stop doing? Meditation, nature, water, rest. It's supposed to help. This time it's like I just can't stop this river of emotion and it's making life impossible. I hope this is temporary. Everything is, which leads me to think about death and doom. I want to be able to do this work and hold space for people but I take it all on and it gets stuck inside. I still don't know what I really want to do with my life.