Born at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Greenwich Village on Nov. 11, 1954, Michael was adopted five weeks later by John and Eleanor Coffey, a corrections officer and an RN, respectively. The adoption was handled by the New York Foundling Hospital. John and Eleanor had been unable to have children.

He was raised as an only child in a small town in the Adirondacks. By the time his parents told him overtly that he was adopted, at age 8, he already knew. Following the Foundling’s recommendation, they had told him from the beginning that they had “chosen” him in a nursery with many other babies.

Although they were loving parents, it seems they were also a bit distant—“hands-off.” Sadly, one of the few things they knew about Michael’s birth parents was that they were college-educated, and it seemed to make them feel that he was of different and maybe better stock. Michael feels they tried to stay out of his way. Although Michael had what he calls a perfectly happy childhood, there was something missing. After much soul-searching and research, he believes there might be an element of containment missing, a term used by Melanie Klein and, later, Wilfred Bion, two prominent psychotherapists--containment being the provision of a safe space at a critical part of childhood development.

Michael went off to college at Notre Dame, and spent his junior year in Dublin. College took care of him to a degree (the Notre Dame motto is in loco parentis—in place of parents). Leaving college, though, was a terrifying prospect, and two months after graduating he married a woman he had known for only four months.

Michael studied Anglo-Irish literature at the University of Leeds in England; his wife and he had a son, Joshua. He earned his Master’s degree. In 1978, the little family moved to New York City. Michael got a job in publishing and, settled, he wrote to the New York Founding, which was just 15 blocks from their walk-up apartment. A Sister Phelps provided him with “background information but not identifying information.” His search for his parents began. He went down many dead-ends.

At the age of 50, with the help of a private investigator, he discovered that both his birth parents were deceased; his father was a Gallagher, whose own father was from Donegal, Ireland; and his mother, indeed Virginia, was fourth-generation Irish-American from a Co. Mayo family. She was a one-time Broadway actress and cabaret singer in Manhattan when he was conceived. His father, Robert Michael Gallagher, was driving a cab in New York and writing poetry at the time. They both hailed originally from Philadelphia.

Michael has written a memoir in which he traces these developments, emphasizing that, since he came of age, he has been looking and listening for traces, voices, and ghosts of lost birth parents, lost siblings, or half-siblings. He did find them, ghosts and real, but just as when John and Eleanor told him at age 8 that he was adopted when he already knew it, he says he also seemed to know who he was, and where he was from before the evidence was in. At this point in his life, he welcomes this as a measure of containment, a “safety in knowing.”

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The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

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Lea is an adoptee born at the end of the Baby Scoop era, 1970. She was born and raised in the city where she currently lives with her family. She knew from a young age that she was an adopted, a "chosen baby". She was always proud to say she was adopted and would challenge classmates when asked about her "real parents". Lea believes that she was raised by her "real" parents and does not refer to them as her adoptive parents. Lea stood out from her family at an early age as she is very tall (5'10") and her mother is 4'8". She's always been the tallest out of the extended family until her two children came along and they are both over 6 feet!

Lea reunited with her biological mother in 2007. Her biological mother found her after a five-minute search online but it took some finessing to make the connection finally. They remained in reunion for about fifteen years during which time they visited, vacationed together and spent several holidays together.

At seventy-four, Lea's biological father had the surprise of his life when he discovered through a cousin that he had a fifty-year old daughter who lived twenty minutes away. This connection was through Ancestry.com and again, happened very quickly. Lea recently enjoyed a two-week vacation with her biological father, his wife (who Lea refers to as Bonus Mom), and her aunt.

Lea has struggled with the idea of connection her entire life. Even after the black holes of knowing who you are have been filled, Lea continues to search for her connection and sense of belonging.

RESOURCES for Adoptees
S12F Helping Adoptees
Gregory Luce and Adoptees Rights Law
Joe Soll & other adoptee resources
Fireside Adoptees Facebook Group
Reckoning with the Primal Wound Documentary
Dr. Liz Debetta: Migrating Toward Wholeness Movement
Hiraeth Hope & Healing
Moses Farrow
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255 OR Dial or Text 988.
Unraveling Adoption
Adoptees Connect with Pamela Karanova

Thank you to our Patreons! Join at the $10 level and be part of our monthly Zoom /ADOPTEE CAFE community. Our next Zoom is on 9/14 at 1 pm ET.

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Patti Eddington is a newspaper and magazine journalist whose favorite job ever was interviewing famous authors who came through town on book tours. She never dreamed of writing about her life because she was too busy helping build her husband’s veterinary practice, caring for her animal-obsessed daughter—whose favorite childhood toy was an inflatable tick—and learning to tap dance. Then fate, and a DNA test, led her to a story she felt compelled to tell. Today, the mid-century modern design enthusiast and former dance teacher enjoys being dragged on walks by her ridiculous three-legged dog, David, and watching the egrets and bald eagles from her deck on a beautiful bayou in Spring Lake, Michigan.

The Girl with Three Birthdays by Patti Eddington

To skip ahead to the interview go to timestamp: 16:51

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

September 7th in Kansas City, Missouri
Eventbrite: LIVE RECORDED PODCAST with Adoption: The Making of Me (ATMOM) & A PHOTO JOURNEY with Jeff Forney of The Innocent People Project

RESOURCES for Adoptees
S12F Helping Adoptees
Gregory Luce and Adoptees Rights Law
Joe Soll & other adoptee resources
Fireside Adoptees Facebook Group
Reckoning with the Primal Wound Documentary
Dr. Liz Debetta: Migrating Toward Wholeness Movement
Hiraeth Hope & Healing
Moses Farrow
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255 OR Dial or Text 988.

Thank you to our Patreons! Join at the $10 level and be part of our monthly Zoom /ADOPTEE CAFE community. Our next Zoom is on 9/14 at 1 pm ET.

Support the show

To support the show - Patreon.