Episodes

  • "I Feel Like a Liar. Am I Marrying the Wrong Person?"

    "I Feel Like a Liar. Am I Marrying the Wrong Person?"
    Sep 10 2024
    (Watch this episode on YouTube.) Today’s episode is all about the thrilling yet sometimes messy and confusing world of crushes. We’ve got three letters: "I have a pattern of falling for people who are unavailable. Should I tell my new friend that I have a crush on her, even though she's in a longterm relationship?" "I told my coworker I had feelings for him. I think he has feelings for me too but...he has a girlfriend." "I'm engaged to my boyfriend of 7 years, but I have a relentless crush on someone new. Should I still get married?" Send your letters to hellohayesadvice@gmail.com. 0:00 What to expect in this video 00:47 This week’s letters 1:22 Letter 1: “Can I be friends with my crush?” 2:50 Response to Letter 1 begins 4:43 How we use B&W thinking to protect ourselves 9:00 Failure is not regression 12:21 Script: “We can’t be friends” 13:02 Letter 2: “I’m in love with my co-worker” 14:45 Response to Letter 2 begins 15:55 What’s spiking my Hayesy senses 18:30 Stop hoping he’s going to change 20:59 Finding the love you deserve 21:31 Letter 3: “I’m not sure I want to marry my fiance” 22:43 Response begins 24:45 Pros of couple therapy 25:41 Hayes’s thoughts on “forever” 27:25 “Relationships are hard” 28:00 What your crush means Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    32 mins
  • "Should I Go To The Event By Myself?"

    "Should I Go To The Event By Myself?"
    Sep 3 2024
    What do you do when you're invited to an event with a plus one...but you have no one to bring? Is it better to go alone or to bring a friend? On this week’s episode of the Hello Hayes podcast we’re chatting going to events solo, finding confidence in yourself, and doing the hard thing because you can. I also share the story of how I embarrassed myself in front of my work hero a couple of weeks ago...and how I'm reframing it so I don't obsess about this any further! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    32 mins
  • "I Don't Like My Best Friend's Boyfriend"

    "I Don't Like My Best Friend's Boyfriend"
    Aug 27 2024
    Watch on YouTube. (9am EST) 0:00 - Introduction 1:04 - Overview of the 3 letters 1:46 - Letter 1: Estranged from family 3:50 - Response to letter 1 begins 5:02 - Why certain phrases trigger us 7:12 - What I’ve noticed making an internet advice column 9:37 - Ideas for the future 12:03 - Why it doesn’t feel sustainable to bite your tongue 16:05 - Being honest about your reaction 17:33 - Letter 2: Don’t like best friend’s boyfriend 19:02 - Response to letter 2 begins 20:30 - The lost dream of being “couple friends” 22:56 - When your friend gets cheated on 24:31 - Reflection questions when you don’t like your friend’s bf/gf 28:24 - Do this for your friend 29:28 - Letter 3: Your BFF is always in and out of relationships 30:30 - Response to letter 3 begins 31:00 - Having self-awareness 31:51 - Inserting ourselves into other people’s problems 32:30 - Breaking our own patterns 33:43 - Having a tough conversation 35:26 - Getting clear on YOUR terms 39:00 - Exclusive question for Hayeselnuts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    40 mins
  • "Will I Always Be Slut Shamed?"

    "Will I Always Be Slut Shamed?"
    Aug 20 2024
    Watch on YouTube. 1:11 - Letter 1: “My friends are slut shaming me” 4:42 - Don’t call it a “hoe phase” 8:47 - Apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong 10:37 - Should a man be ready to marry you after 1 year? 15:16- The 4 questions to ask before confronting someone 17:00 - Letter 2: “My sister makes me feel bad about my body” 19:00 - Sibling dynamics 20:32 - Pick your battles 22:24 - The pros/cons of sarcasm 23:30 - An earnest conversation (add HALEY CONVO HERE) 26:30 - If they never stops bullying you 28:25 - Letter 3: “My friend thinks I’m more privileged than I am” 30:00 - Confronting our pleasure 32:30 - Intersectionality matters 33:40 - You still have a right to your pain 34:43 - Knowing your audience 36:30 - The friend’s comments 37:41 - The question you should always remember Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    40 mins
  • When Instagram Creates Jealousy in Your Friendships

    When Instagram Creates Jealousy in Your Friendships
    Aug 13 2024
    Watch this episode on YouTube. What do you do when your best friend's live in a different city than you and are always posting about how close they are? What about if most of your bridesmaids don't post pictures from your wedding, even though you posted pictures from theirs? How do you talk to a friend (who is also an influencer) who's always posting stuff on social media when you're together? In this week's episode of Hello Hayes, we're talking about social media, jealousy, and friendship. Send your letters to hellohayesadvice@gmail.com mwah 0:00 - Overview of the three letters 2:33 - Letter 1: My BFFs always post each other 3:30 - How feeling lonely impacts our life 5:26 - Feelings are different than reality 6:56 - What IS the reality in this situation? 13:33 - How do we stop feeling left out? 15:33 - How to handle this moving forward 17:13 - Should you tell them how you feel? 20:30 - Letter 2: Bridesmaids didn’t post about my wedding 23:42 - The case for practicing restraint 25:50 - Is a wedding an achievement? 27:48 - Feeling inadequate 28:00 - A reframe to help 29:55 - Speaking your truth 32:00 - Letter 3: OG bestie is an influencer 34:10 - Am I (Hayes) an influencer? 35:00 - Showing empathy for your friend 37:23 - Reflection question to ask yourself 38:00 - How to talk to her in the moment Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    41 mins
  • Friendship Breakups and Coworker Crushes with Haley Jakobson

    Friendship Breakups and Coworker Crushes with Haley Jakobson
    Aug 6 2024
    On today's episode I'm joined by writer and fellow internet advice giver, Haley Jakobson. When I teased this episode on insta stories a couple of weeks ago, saying “the guest wrote a book on friendship breakups,” dozens of you guessed it would be Haley, and alas, you were right!!! Haley is the author of OLD ENOUGH, a novel that explores, yes, friendship breakups, but also queerness and bisexuality and being a survivor and growing up and away from who we in the Hello Hayes universe call an OG bestie. As I shared with Haley in our 1hr+ conversation, her depiction of friendship explosions were so vivid and familiar that I felt physically uncomfortable while reading. The novel can be heavy but in the safe and skilled hands of a writer like Haley, I felt held the entire time. OLD ENOUGH has the full weight of a Hello Hayes book recommendation! Our conversation covers what we’ve learned about ourselves as writers, why friendship break-ups are so painful, a Hello Hayes (and Haley) question about having a crush on a coworker while you’re in a relationship, and so much more. I cry at one point, obviously. 0:00 - Who is Haley Jakobson? 4:20 - Selling her first book 8:00 - Stepping in front of the lens 10:30 - Writing about pain 13:23 - Our love of book "Acknowledgments" sections 14:00 - Earnestness is underrated 15:30 - A hate comment that I still think about 19:00 - Friendship break-ups 19:30 - Vow of celibacy from best friendship 25:18 - What does the patriarchy have to do with it? 32:00 - Why Hayes admires Haley & unexpected tears 35:42 - On not being an "Emily Henry" type of writer 37:00 - The duality of Haley & the creation process 41:45 - The worst question aspiring writers ask 43:00 - What Hayes has learned about herself as a writer 45:30 - "Creative foreplay" 45:00 - Spontaneous vs responsive desire 49:23 - Writing sex scenes 53:00 - Hello Hayes letter 1:05:44 - The story behind the title OLD ENOUGH Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    1 hr and 9 mins
  • Navigating the Complexities of Travel and Friendship

    Navigating the Complexities of Travel and Friendship
    Jul 30 2024
    Travel and friendship can be complicated, especially when it comes to group dynamics and exclusion. In this week's Hello Hayes, we're talking about how to navigate the complexities of travel and friendship. 0:00 - Introduction 4:28 - Overview of the 3 letters 5:48 - Letter 1: “My OG besties went on a trip without me” 8:21 - My personal experience getting “excluded” 10:30 - Why it hurts to fall out of touch with 12:10 - How to handle the situation 15:00 - Should you ask: Why wasn’t I invited? 15:58 - What to say instead 16:40 - Feeling like everyone’s talking about you 18:14 - Letter 2: “How do we tell someone why they were excluded?” 19:25 - The problem with exclusion 20:03 - Tough love 22:52 - The responsibility of being in a friend group 23:50 - What to do in the future 26:10 - Why this isn’t about “boundaries” 27:44 - Why I chose this letter 28: 27 - Letter 3: “My friend won’t stop texting her boyfriend on vacation” 30:00 - Why I don’t watch TV with friends 31:25 - From WTF to compassion 36:25 - Script 1 39:00 - Communication tip: “Keep it consistent” 39:50 - Script 2 43:45 - On being “jealous” 45:45 - Hayes’s phone etiquette rules You can find me on Instagram here. Watch episodes of Hello Hayes here. 👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋 Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com. Pro tip: Use "YouTube subscriber" in the subject line, plus a few words that describe your story. Like this: "YouTube subscriber + Why do I feel so sad around the holidays?" ✍️ LIKE TO READ? ✍️ 10,000+ Hayeselnuts and curious thinkers read my newsletter on Substack, where I publish my most personal writing and advice columns. All content is free, but paid subscriptions are available to those who are able to support my work financially! You get bonus audio episodes and a "cut the line" pass to my advice column. 5/month or 50/year! Subscribe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    47 mins
  • Do I Have to Invite My Fiance's Sister Wedding Dress Shopping?

    Do I Have to Invite My Fiance's Sister Wedding Dress Shopping?
    Jul 23 2024
    [Watch on YouTube] I'm back to reading three letters today! Yay! This week's episode is wedding-themed, but I promise the details in each letter are relevant even if you're not engaged yourself. 👋 SAY HI 👋 You can find me on Instagram here (behind the scenes, personal storytelling). On YouTube here (longform and mini video advice columns). On Substack here (my writing and exclusive announcements). 👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋 Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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    39 mins