Episodes

  • Understanding the "Attack Surface" in Narcissistic /Emotionally Immature Relationships (When Vulnerability Goes Bad!)

    Understanding the "Attack Surface" in Narcissistic /Emotionally Immature Relationships (When Vulnerability Goes Bad!)
    Oct 1 2024
    Have you ever opened up to someone, only to have your vulnerability used against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, we introduce the concept of the “attack surface”—that uncomfortable dynamic where emotionally immature or narcissistic partners turn your honesty into their weapon of control. We’ll also explore how this need for control originates from emotional immaturity, dive into the origin story of our deep-seated fear of abandonment, and discuss practical ways to develop your emotional maturity. From separating observations from judgments to the 4 Points of Balance in differentiation, this episode offers tools to help you confront unresolved personal issues in relationships with integrity and create healthier, more connected interactions. Are you in the mental health profession and are curious about using AI (artificial intelligence) notes? Check out Berries, the notes Tony described in today's episode. Click here https://berries.icu/?code=4952 Or use code Tony50 when you sign up to get $50 off your first month of Berries revolutionary AI, HIPPA-compliant mental health notes. If you are interested in seeing an example of a note, email tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com. 00:00 Introduction and Welcome 00:18 Speaking Engagements and Personal Anecdotes 03:13 The Concept of Attack Surface 11:36 Real-Life Example: Alex and Taylor 15:03 Understanding Emotional Immaturity 22:39 Control as a Defense Mechanism 26:57 Origins of Fear and Emotional Abandonment 28:02 Example Scenario: Jamie and Sam 29:09 Sam's Fear and Defensive Reactions 31:00 The Impact of Emotional Immaturity 38:21 Observations vs. Judgments 42:08 Developing Emotional Maturity 45:22 The Four Points of Balance 49:55 Confronting Personal Issues with Integrity If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com
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    53 mins
  • How Much Gaslighting Does a Gaslighter Gaslight if a Gaslighter Doesn’t Know They Gaslight? - Part 2

    How Much Gaslighting Does a Gaslighter Gaslight if a Gaslighter Doesn’t Know They Gaslight? - Part 2
    Sep 21 2024
    Have you ever felt like you're losing your grip on reality in a relationship? Does your partner's behavior leave you constantly second-guessing yourself? You might be experiencing gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation that can shake the very foundations of your self-perception. In part 2 of “Gaslighting’s Greatest Hits: The Top Lies You Believed About Yourself”, we dive deep into the murky waters of gaslighting, exploring everything from unintentional mind games to deliberate, narcissistic abuse. Tony unpacks real-life examples of gaslighting in action, decodes the tactics of emotional immaturity, and sheds light on the narcissistic traits that fuel this behavior. You'll learn how to spot the signs of gaslighting, understand its impact on your psyche, and discover strategies to break free from its grip. Whether you're dealing with a 'nice guy' trapped in a cycle of silent suffering or navigating a relationship with an emotionally immature partner, this episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice. 00:00 Introduction and Gaslighting Jokes 00:28 Welcome to Episode 120 00:36 Recap of Previous Gaslighting Episode 02:08 Introduction to Gaslighting Basics 02:31 Understanding Emotional Immaturity 05:26 Types of Gaslighting 05:45 Unaware Gaslighting 16:40 Feeling Like Something's Off 17:15 Marker 20:15 Knowing It's Wrong but Not Seriously Harmful 25:13 Gaslighting Tactics Unveiled 25:44 Emma's Story: A Case of Workplace Gaslighting 28:30 The Nice Guy Syndrome: Tom's Struggle 36:45 The Abusive Partner: Jack and Diane 38:34 Projection: A Deep Dive 42:03 Narcissistic Double Standards 45:45 Recognizing and Reclaiming Your Life If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com
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    49 mins
  • Pathological Kindness: When Caring, Trying, and Empathizing Too Much Can Be Bad For Your Health

    Pathological Kindness: When Caring, Trying, and Empathizing Too Much Can Be Bad For Your Health
    Sep 11 2024
    Do you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own? Have you ever wondered if being "too kind" could actually be harmful to your relationships and well-being? In today’s crossover episode - Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explores the complex concept of pathological kindness in relationships. Through a listener's letter from 'Cleo,' Tony delves into the challenges faced by those who prioritize others' needs to their detriment, often rooted in childhood experiences of being the family peacemaker. Cleo's story highlights issues with her emotionally inconsistent partner, Ray, unveiling the struggles of living with someone emotionally immature or narcissistic. Tony discusses recognizing these patterns, including the role of cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding in maintaining unhealthy relationships. He explores how highly sensitive people (HSPs) may be particularly vulnerable to these dynamics. The episode emphasizes the importance of developing a stable core identity, setting boundaries, and balancing kindness with self-care. Tony also touches on the challenges of breaking free from intermittent reinforcement in relationships and recognizing and trusting one's own perceptions. He stresses the role of therapy and self-awareness in breaking free from unhealthy cycles and fostering emotionally mature relationships while also offering hope to those who recognize themselves as the emotionally immature partner and want to change. 00:00 Introduction and Podcast Promotion 01:19 Introducing Cleo's Story 03:16 Cleo's Relationship Struggles 10:38 Understanding Pathological Kindness 16:28 The Impact of Pathological Kindness 21:36 Balancing Kindness and Self-Care 25:09 Exploring Self-Reliance and Its Pitfalls 25:24 The Dual Nature of Optimism 25:40 Understanding Humility and Self-Deprecation 26:26 The Complexities of Honesty 27:09 Patience vs. Passivity 27:24 Competence and Arrogance 28:00 Cleo's Relationship with Ray 29:04 The Struggle of Highly Sensitive People 29:48 The Challenge of Leaving Toxic Relationships 33:23 The Cognitive Dissonance and Trauma Bonding 45:04 The Importance of Self-Care and Boundaries 46:03 Encouragement for Personal Growth If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com
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    49 mins
  • Emotional Survival Tips: Responding to Crisis in Narcissistic Relationships

    Emotional Survival Tips: Responding to Crisis in Narcissistic Relationships
    Sep 3 2024
    Tony Overbay, LMFT, delivers an emergency bonus episode addressing a heartfelt listener email. The episode discusses cognitive dissonance, gaslighting, emotional abuse, scapegoating, and trauma bonding often experienced in relationships with narcissists. Tony breaks down the listener's experiences, offering insight into their struggles, including emotional manipulations and prolonged emotional trauma. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing these abusive patterns, seeking help from therapists specializing in narcissistic abuse, and prioritizing self-care and self-compassion. The episode revisits key concepts like whole object relations, object constancy, and cognitive dissonance, encouraging listeners to strive for emotional intelligence and balanced relationships. 00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview 00:21 Emergency Bonus Episode Announcement 01:14 Reading and Analyzing a Listener's Email 04:25 Understanding Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse 12:08 Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships 16:57 Whole Object Relations and Object Constancy 21:10 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance 21:59 Balancing Good and Bad in Relationships 23:11 Empowerment Through Clarity 24:36 Navigating Emotional Trauma 25:49 The Narcissist's Manipulative Tactics 28:20 Therapy and Emotional Manipulation 31:21 Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds 33:58 Self-Reflection and Sanity 39:03 Seeking Help and Moving Forward If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com
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    42 mins
  • Gaslighting's Greatest Hits: The Top Lies You Believed About Yourself

    Gaslighting's Greatest Hits: The Top Lies You Believed About Yourself
    Aug 21 2024
    Have you ever felt like you were constantly walking on eggshells, desperately trying to prove your worth in a relationship, only to realize later you were never the problem to begin with? Tony dives deep into the murky waters of gaslighting and narcissism, exploring how these manipulative behaviors can distort our self-perception and cause people to go on what feels like a never-ending journey of “what’s wrong with me? (Spoiler alert - nothing, you’re human!). We'll unravel the complex web of emotional immaturity, discussing how it manifests in personal relationships and even on the political stage. Tony sheds light on the psychological phenomena that make us vulnerable to manipulation, from our brain's desire for certainty to the allure of seeing patterns where none exist. He also explores the liberating journey of self-discovery that comes with breaking free from gaslighting and how understanding these dynamics can lead to personal growth and stronger, healthier relationships. 00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview 00:45 Announcements and Listener Engagement 01:25 Introducing the Topic: Gaslighting 01:49 Analyzing a Listener's Poem 03:21 Hypothetical Case Study: Sarah and John 06:47 Understanding Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism 09:09 Examples of Gaslighting in Relationships 14:20 The Concept of Reflected Sense of Self 24:18 Understanding Narcissistic Withdrawal 24:45 The Importance of Self-Discovery 25:14 The Cycle of External Validation 25:31 Weaponizing Love Languages 26:33 The Escalation of Manipulation 27:27 Recognizing Patterns and Self-Realization 29:44 The Impact of Gaslighting 30:50 Emotional Complexity and Healing 36:58 Narcissistic Traits and Childhood Origins 38:37 The Magic Trick of Gaslighting 40:30 The Spectrum of Narcissistic Traits 44:31 The Importance of Awareness and Critical Thinking 49:47 Conclusion and Next Steps If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com
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    51 mins
  • Do Healthy Relationships Even Exist? A Journey Through Narcissism, Nice Guy Syndrome, Emotional Immaturity, and…MAGIC!

    Do Healthy Relationships Even Exist? A Journey Through Narcissism, Nice Guy Syndrome, Emotional Immaturity, and…MAGIC!
    Jul 30 2024
    Have you ever wondered, during the 'waking up' process—whether to your own emotional immaturity or to the narcissistic traits in a partner—'What does a healthy relationship even look like?' Tony Overbay, LMFT, explores the subtle (and not-so-subtle) differences between narcissists, the emotionally immature, and those with 'nice guy syndrome.' He explains the need to understand and embrace complex emotions and introduces the MAGIC Connection, a powerful framework for understanding and cultivating healthy relationships. Whether you're navigating a problematic partnership, questioning your own behaviors, or simply curious about what makes relationships tick, this episode serves as a roadmap to healthier connections. It decodes complex personality patterns and illuminates the path to the kind of relationship you deserve. Get ready to distinguish between the unicorns and the chameleons in your life and learn what real relationship magic looks like! 00:00 A Pie in the Face: Dreams vs. Reality 01:44 The Interview Experience: Expectations vs. Reality 03:36 Welcome to Waking Up the Narcissism 05:30 Understanding Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism 09:00 Confabulation and Narcissistic Gaslighting 14:10 Navigating Relationships with Emotional Maturity 30:18 The Magic Connection: Building Healthy Relationships 31:36 Reintroducing Magic Mike 31:53 Navigating the City Together 32:15 Mike's Calm Problem Solving 33:02 Appreciating Teamwork 34:15 Understanding Nice Guy Syndrome 35:45 Emotional Immaturity vs. Narcissism 38:59 Financial Struggles in Relationships 43:43 Developing Self-Regulation Skills 50:38 Complex Emotions and Whole Object Relations 01:01:05 Final Thoughts and Reflections If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com
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    1 hr and 3 mins
  • Explaining the “False Self,” aka Why Good People Get Trapped In Bad Relationships

    Explaining the “False Self,” aka Why Good People Get Trapped In Bad Relationships
    Jul 17 2024
    Have you ever found yourself trapped in a toxic relationship, unable to break free despite knowing it's unhealthy? You're not alone. In this gripping episode, Tony Overbay, LMFT, unravels the psychological maze of destructive love. Journey with Tony as he introduces the concept of the "false self" - the masks we wear to fit in. But what happens when someone never develops their own mask, instead shape-shifting to meet others' expectations? Through the captivating story of Farrah and Gil, Tony illuminates why smart, capable people get stuck in cycles of toxic love. Dive deep into the world of emotional immaturity, narcissistic personality disorder, and the powerful grip of intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonds. Uncover the mysteries of whole object relations, object constancy, and identity diffusion - concepts that explain baffling relationship behaviors. Whether you're trying to understand your own relationship patterns or supporting a loved one, this episode is a must-listen. Tony offers profound insights and practical tools to break free from the clutches of toxic love and pave the way for healthier connections. Prepare to be enlightened, challenged, and empowered. Your journey to relationship wisdom starts here! 00:00 Introduction: A True Story of Heartbreak 00:16 Farrah's Emotional Turmoil 00:33 Gil's New Relationship and Farrah's Struggle 01:18 The Urge to Reach Out 01:52 Seeking Closure and Self-Blame 02:24 A Desperate Call to Gil 03:03 Understanding Toxic Relationships 04:43 The Concept of the False Self 12:03 Emotional Immaturity and Its Impact 19:28 Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Emotional Immaturity 29:11 Intermittent Reinforcement: The Psychology Behind Toxic Bonds 30:03 The Obsession of Random Rewards 30:40 Intermittent Reinforcement in Abusive Relationships 31:08 The Power of Intermittent Reinforcement 32:50 Recognizing Trauma Bonds 35:34 Emotional Whiplash and Inconsistent Affection 40:26 Identity Diffusion and Emotional Immaturity 50:23 Whole Object Relations and Object Constancy 53:04 Wrapping Up: Understanding Emotional Immaturity If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com
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    57 mins
  • Healing Childhood Neglect: The Roots of People Pleasing and Narcissism

    Healing Childhood Neglect: The Roots of People Pleasing and Narcissism
    Jun 14 2024
    Tony delves into the origins of people pleasers, empaths, highly sensitive individuals, and the emotionally immature, highlighting the similarities that arise from childhood abandonment and neglect. He explains that even the best parents can't always be emotionally available for their children and how various factors influence how we show up for ourselves and our relationships with partners and children. Tony explores the pivotal moments where a child might develop narcissistic-like behaviors versus becoming a people pleaser and emphasizes that with awareness, healing can begin. This healing journey not only benefits individuals but also positively impacts their children. Tony also shares listeners' stories and a poem, providing insights into how childhood experiences shape narcissistic traits and pathological kindness in adults. Join us to learn how to recognize, validate, and address your emotional needs as you embark on your path to emotional well-being and healthier relationships. Tony references Jonice Webb Ph.D.'s article "Why Emotional Neglect Can Feel Like Abandonment" https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202303/why-emotional-neglect-can-feel-like-abandonment and Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.'s article "The Truth About Narcissistic Personality Disorder" https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201708/the-truth-about-narcissistic-personality-disorder? in this episode. 00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview 01:09 Listener's Poem: A Day After You 05:10 Starting Today's Topic: Emotional Neglect and Immaturity 07:25 Exploring Childhood Neglect and Narcissism 14:38 Attachment Theory and Emotional Development 20:49 Emotional Neglect and Its Long-Term Effects 24:58 Understanding Childhood Emotional Needs 25:25 The Invisible Impact of Emotional Neglect 26:43 The Importance of Emotional Validation 28:58 Teaching Emotional Education 34:13 The Consequences of Emotional Neglect 39:13 Healing from Emotional Neglect 42:20 Exploring Emotional Immaturity 46:54 Final Thoughts and Reflections Available NOW Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course Find all the latest links to podcasts, courses, Tony's newsletter, and more at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384 You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts. Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ
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    50 mins