When Our Adult Children Walk Away

By: Dr. Janet Steinkamp EdD
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  • Summary

  • In the spring of 2019, after many attempts to sort through our differences, my adult daughter made the difficult choice to cut off communication. She tried to get her message across to me for a long time - years - without success. She repeatedly explained that she needed me to listen and know her better, accept her new and evolving boundaries, for me to recognize her as an emerging adult and for me to modify my communication style to be more respectful. She needed and expected change.

    I wasn't listening and didn't recognize that her increasing desperation was driving her away – to eventual and complete estrangement. It took months after she went no-contact to cycle through my grief. I, like you, experienced disbelief, anger and hopelessness before I could begin to accept and face her decision. I had to own my contributions to her decision to cut ties. Even then, as I began to take responsibility for myself, the pain, confusion and hopelessness were sometimes overwhelming.

    I recognized then, as I do now, that I was not entirely responsible for the fracturing of our relationship. But, in the years of silence, all I could do was work on myself – so I dedicated myself to learning, listening, reflecting, accepting, transforming and preparing.

    Fast forward to today, and I'm happy to tell you that my daughter and I have reconnected. She found her voice and the inner strength to leave her "cult of one" partner, pack up her children in the dark of night, and return to our family. Over a year after returning, Brianna (she prefers Bri) often consults with me as I coach estranged parents and adult children who want to do their work - to understand their circumstances and embrace their new and emerging self-awareness.

    I provide opportunities to heal by assisting people in understanding their communication styles, recognizing their contributions to their circumstances and learning effective conflict management skills. Together, my clients and I explore ways that they can refine their interpersonal behaviors and learn how to listen to and learn from their adult children. These are the strongest tools that support effective reconnection strategies.

    My name is Dr. Janet Steinkamp, and the reason for this podcast is simple. During the long hours of isolation and doubt, I decided to use my years of teaching communication and interpersonal relationship skills, working with people as they navigated their way into independence and adulthood, to provide hope, help and healing to people who want to prepare to repair.

    When you are ready to walk through the hot coals of self-discovery - to prepare for reconnection - I'm here to walk alongside you. The When Our Adult Children Walk Away resources, presentations, conversations, and strategies to become the parent or family member your adult child is asking – needs – you to be. Though I can't promise reconnection, I can and will help you prepare to reconnect when opportunities present themselves.

    Now is the time to do your work – to reflect, learn and grow. And, by the way - reconnection does not mean our work to build a healthy, sustainable, mutually respectful relationship is done. It is only the start. In each post, I present and explore topics relevant to all who hope to reconnect with an estranged adult child or who are estranged from their parents. The material in each episode relates explicitly to the messy and exhausting fresh hell of pain, isolation, and loss.

    And! Supports you as you climb out of the abyss of rejection and move toward your own acceptance and transformation.

    When Our Adult Children Walk Away provides judgment-free resources. WOACWA is a safe place - to listen, reflect and explore our most personal lives.

    © 2024 When Our Adult Children Walk Away
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Episodes
  • Reasons 11 - 20: 20 Reasons Walking on Egg Shells is a Gift (Extended)

    Reasons 11 - 20: 20 Reasons Walking on Egg Shells is a Gift (Extended)
    Jan 21 2025

    Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

    Walking on Eggshells is a concept we use to describe the extreme hypersensitivity parents feel when their relationship with their adult child is faltering. It means being hyper-aware or fearful of saying or doing anything that might upset the estranged child, often to avoid further damage to an already fragile relationship. This can lead to stress, frustration, and feelings of helplessness for parents.

    One of the most frequent topics in our conversations is whether the noise and discomfort of the eggshell stage will always be part of a struggling relationship and how to get back to “normal.”

    In the previous episode, we considered the first 1 - 10 reasons we benefit from the noise of our cracking eggshells. Now, we dig deep into reasons 11 -20.

    As you listen, consider how you can harness your eggshells' crunching noise (and discomfort) to understand your adult child’s needs, boundaries and expectations. By embracing your eggshells (and theirs), you can learn how to relate differently and establish a trust-based and mutually gratifying relationship.

    For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

    The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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    35 mins
  • It's True, Moms and Dads Experience and Navigate Estrangement Differently (Extended)

    It's True, Moms and Dads Experience and Navigate Estrangement Differently (Extended)
    Jan 7 2025

    Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

    Unlike the short episode with the same title, this episode examines differences and similarities in how moms and dads describe their experiences and strategies for navigating estrangement.

    I hesitate to categorize how we experience and navigate estrangement by our gender and family role. The concept oversimplifies and discounts the complexities of our individual, emotional, social, relational, cognitive and physical uniqueness.

    So, for this episode, please consider your role in the family over your at-birth sex. If you have the role of nurturer, then consider listening as the traditional 'gatherer' or mom role. If you are more of the provider or 'hunter' than listen with an ear for the hunter role.

    We are each shaped by societal expectations, assigned familial roles, and the people in our lives. We are taught what is right and wrong in the context of societal and family (the people who raise us) values - beliefs - traditions.

    We grow up in different circumstances and bring our unique selves to our relationships. So, it makes sense that we each have individual relationships with our children. Still, some elements (generally speaking) can be considered familial-role specific.

    These differences and similarities can influence how we process the distancing of our adult son or daughter, respond to feelings of rejection, and prepare to be our best selves when opportunities to reconnect or connect present themselves. The same is true for our adult children—they see us and experience us as their parents through their unique lenses.

    Please listen and let me know what you think. You can share your questions and comments at Janet@jesteinkamp or go to the When Our Adult Children Walk Away website and post a comment. I read and respond to all emails that reach my inbox.
    Remember - be brave!

    For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

    The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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    29 mins
  • It's True, Mom's and Dad's Experience and Navigate Estrangement Differently (Short)

    It's True, Mom's and Dad's Experience and Navigate Estrangement Differently (Short)
    Dec 23 2024

    Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

    In this episode, we dig into some of the differences and similarities of how moms and dads tell us they experience and navigate estrangement.

    Yes, dads and moms often experience estrangement differently. And, in ways, similarly. Only... we know it isn't really that simple, right?

    I hesitate to categorize how we experience and navigate estrangement by our gender. The concept oversimplifies and discounts the complexities of our individual, emotional, social, relational, cognitive and physical uniqueness.

    We are each shaped by societal expectations, gender roles, and the people around us. We are taught what is right and wrong in the context of our families values. We each are raised in different circumstances and bring our unique selves as a whole to our relationships. So, it only makes sense that we each also have individual relationships with our children. And... still there are some elements (generally speaking) that can be considered gender specific.

    These differences can influence how we process the distancing of our adult son or daughter, how we respond to feelings of rejection, and how we prepare to be our best selves when opportunities to reconnect or connect present themselves.

    Take a listen and let me know what you think. Share your questions and comments at Janet@jesteinkamp.com. Or go to the When Our Adult Children Walk Away website and post a comment. I do read and respond to all email that finds it's way to my inbox. Thank you. And be brave!


    For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

    The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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    10 mins

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